There are some things that I think every parent should know, should do and some rules you should try to loosely follow that might make the journey through being a parent that little bit easier.
1. DON'T BE AFRAID TO BE HONEST
Once I became a parent, due to some weird pressure I put on myself, I felt it wrong to say I didn't like certain aspects of being a mum. I felt that if I said I wasn't enjoying an aspect of this new role I had taken on it was like I didn't love my child anymore or if I was in some way saying that I didn't like them (don't try too hard to understand that concept, it might only be me who thinks this way) but I simply felt like I had to enjoy it all when I wasn't always exactly feeling that way.
I found the first few weeks and months pretty easy going but as children get bigger and older they become louder and stronger and faster and harder to catch and tackle. Their moods are more feral, their desires more intense and with that comes a need to constantly find new ways to approach each interesting situation. You will learn slowly that it is ok to ignore certain behaviour. Let me give you an example- I am now going to start whinging as I want to get out of my car seat in the 110km zone on the freeway whinging, I just got in the car for an hour long journey whinging and we are only just sitting in the garage reversing out the driveway, I am hungry and there is no food in sight whinging, I am thirsty and my sippy cup is in the nappy bag in the boot and we are still in the 110km zone on the highway whinging, the whinging in the supermarket that no item off the shelf, no opened packet of biscuits off the shelf, no amount of nick knacks from the bottom of my handbag that will quell your whinging whinging...you get the point. You just have to ignore it, don't acknowledge it, continue on your business as if you don't even know who's child that is. You won't die, nor will they.
Once you have started to accept that watching Dora repeats 5 days a week isn't your cup of tea, that breastfeeding on the side of the highway because baby won't stop crying isn't exactly how you envisaged your afternoon or that being kicked in the face by a toddler that tricked you into thinking he was going to give you a cuddle isn't exactly the affection you were looking for you will ultimately start to feel better. It's ok to pull out your phone, book, ipad or whatever your poison while such shows as Dora, Diego or Giggle and Hoot continue to carry on in the background. You can be close to your child just by sitting relaxed in the same room. It's ok to give your little ones space to be themselves without you sitting by their sides all the time. If your house is safe, well baby proofed and there is a segregated space for your child to sit and watch TV, play and read they can be left to their own devices while you go to the toilet, shower or cook a meal. I've recently read a few of those humerous quote posts on facebook about parents just wanting to go to the toilet on their own and not be followed by a child. One word people- babygate, or should that be two words, whatever, get one!
All that might sound a bit "ahhh daaa, really dumbass, did it take you this long to realise this??", some of you might have been leaving your kids to roam around the house, unbaby proofed since day dot and that's your choice, I however found it terrifying. I didn't know what would happen if I wasn't there to observe and ensure all things were above board, that the kids weren't going to chew through power cords or stuff their cheeks full of tiny little chocking hazards while I wasn't watching. I panicked and didn't know my limits or theirs. It took a while to chill out and find a happy medium of being able to get things done while they played on their own. Add to that, at one point my children were only a shy 17 months apart, I felt like a malformed octopus that had to deal with 10 arms instead of 8, for months my brain struggled to keep up, the logistics of having two small children was mind boggling and I stumbled through the seemingly most easiest of tasks. Hence you can see why I am just now having an Ah Moment over something that many might take for granted.
So, you've accepted that you hate Dora repeats and it bothers you no end that ABC for Kids repeat the mornings session of shows in the afternoon (don't they know that adults have to watch these crap cartoons too?) now it's time to confide in other parents that you trust and know. Tell them how you feel, be honest about the shit stuff that drives you mental, you'd be surprised, they are probably going through the exact same thing if their child is close in age to yours. No one likes a smug mug that thinks the sun shines out of their child's proverbial, I don't associate with these types, I learnt the hard way that they are actually liars and half of the stuff they say isn't actually true, they just can't accept that some parts of parenting suck. They are the type that has a positive comment for even the most negative of experiences. Find real people, they are so much better for the soul.
2. APPROPRIATE FOOTWEAR
Every mother needs appropriate footwear. Don't kid yourself, those heels will go, those bejewelled flats will go as will any type of footwear that is not conducive to running, jumping, squatting and a lot of getting up and down off the floor. Even that kitten heel or slight wedge heel on a pair of unassuming boots, don't do it girlfriend, you'll regret it when you've been on your feet for 15 hours and the only time you get to sit down is to go to the toilet. My suggestion is a pair of Converse Chuck Taylor's (All Stars)- they are cheap, readily available, won't go out of fashion, after all the design of the shoe hasn't really changed in 90 years and are durable as old tyres.
3. MAKING MISTAKES
It's ok to make mistakes as a parent, your child won't grow up to become some gun wielding freak because he or she once might have ingested the dust off a Twistie or they ate chocolate Tiny Teddy's for breakfast because you were running late for your own child's birthday party at mothers group (that happened today). They will be ok and so will you. You have to make mistakes, it's the only way you and they will learn what is right for each situation. You will bang your child's head on the car door many times putting them into their car seat, they won't be brain damage, you will forget their afternoon bottle and to change their nappy for hmmm, almost all day, it will happen and they will survive I promise.
4. PARENT WITH YOUR HEART AND YOUR HEAD
As a first time mum I read a lot of books on parenting and small children. I read Baby Love cover to cover before my first child was even born and for those of you who haven't read this book it's like reading an encyclopedia cover to cover and expecting to remember every single last fact you laid eyes on. I went to antenatal classes, joined mothers group, booked in and attended the Early Childhood Health Centre 0,3,6,9,12,18 month nurse check up, I joined an online mothers group, I looked for forums that discussed issues pertaining to the many myriad of problems, behaviours and characteristics a small child might display. I googled a lot, too much, I asked a lot of questions, I compared behaviours, milestones and my parenting methods. I had the desire to be prepared for everything a baby and toddler would throw at me. I wanted to make sure that my child was always safe, happy, well fed, entertained, sleeping, healthy and on the right track for a good future and I felt the only way to do that was to be as well informed and educated on all these topics as I could be. In the end my children so far have turned out just fine, it was me that was left a little shell shocked.
There is too much information out there for parents so be warned, way too much, a lot of it conflicting, a lot of it marketed around certain products e.g. formula, a lot of it not even relevant to the audience reading it (there are many differences in our legislation and general parenting practises to those in America and Great Britain). But what else do you do? If you were like me and had no idea what you were doing, had never been around small children long enough to have any clue at just how great a job being a parent is and if like me you needed to be well informed, organised and as prepared as you can be for this role you are about to embark on then you do read and google and chat and compare, you don't know any other way.
I learnt that at various different times all this information overload did was cloud my ability to make confident choices and decisions for my children and my family. Baby Love was a godsend in those first few days and weeks, a go-to guide on everything and anything related to baby, but you don't need to read it cover to cover and once number two comes along you probably won't even pick it up, you might even find it comes into good use propping up a radio next to the bed. I also decided to leave the online mothers group which after having been a member for almost 2 years was a big decision. I learnt a great deal from being part of the group particularly from the second and third time mothers, they were optimistic, approachable and full of great advice. At different times when we struggled with serious health issues with my son, weight loss, hospital admissions and feeding clinics, the online mothers group were there for me and even sent a voucher for gourmet food delivery at a very low point in our lives. I made a number of very good friends of which I still keep in contact with but I found it was slowly becoming more of a hindrance than a help. I compared too much of my children's behaviours, milestones, eating and sleeping habits with others and it did my head it. I did not see eye-to-eye with a small few of the other parents and I, like a lot of others past, chose to leave the group. I didn't need to feel I was fighting a battle with people that I didn't even know in real life, I'm totally non-confrontational and even the slightest whiff of cynicism from someone sent me reeling.
With a number of other major personal issues going on at home I needed to focus completely on looking after my family and I didn't need to compare my children with others any more and while having a cohort of mothers and children to get advice from and compare was good at one point, I needed it less and less the more confident I became. I took solace in the wonderful group of ladies that I have been so fortunate to know in our local mothers group and through antenatal classes who all live just a stones throw away from me and and let out any of my frustrations with people that I could see and could communicate with face-to-face or that I felt close and comfortable with to communicate via personal email and text. I talk to my husband about everything and I just watch and wait and see now rather than jumping to google to find out if that weird back arching, gasping noise or that small spot on my child's face is not some god awful disease, syndrome or if it requires an immediate dash to emergency. Lets just say with baby number 1 I had reached the Medicare Threshold quicker than you can say "who wants ice cream?".
This all doesn't necessarily mean that the books and online groups and forums won't be the best thing you ever did, infact being in an online parenting group lead me to some pretty amazing people, people I will no doubt know for the rest of my life (I hope) and through other means they provide wonderful support, one of which is there by text and email daily and is about one of the nicest and most honest and loveliest human beings I've ever met. So, it was in a way the best thing I ever did, I would never have met the people that I now know if I didn't chose to seek out the group and for those who are remote, socially isolated from other mothers, don't have any friends or family with children or who just need to reach out to new people from the comfort of their computer then it can be a great resource. For now though I have laid my membership to rest and much prefer a more personal approach with great friends and family that I speak to or see regularly or privately email and text. They provide the support I need.
As a result of my the journey through parenting information overload I now parent with my heart and I have happier children for it. I do occasionally feel the urge to check out the forums and ask for advice there but a recent stint on a well known parenting forum proved that those perfect parents with perfect children that live perfect fake lives are still lurking around with nothing else to do but make you feel bad and carry on like twats and as such I won't be visiting it again, ever!
5. SLEEP & CRYING IT OUT
Don't go there girlfriend you say, oh, but I will.
Sleep is a massive issue for parents. We need sleep, we like sleep and I don't know a parent out there that if she really got real for just a moment wouldn't like to sleep in for a week straight, no wake ups, completely wake up to your own body clock, come on now, sounds good doesn't it.
I have been blessed with super sleepers, no bullshit, this one isn't a lie, my kids sleep like hibernating animals but there have been points when their sleep habits were chaotic and disruptive and at times just down right confusing. I, of course, read a lot, I took great interest in the importance of not letting my first child cry to sleep as I had read a lot of evidence about the long term effects on behaviour and emotions. I read scientific papers, texts written by paediatricians who had studied sleep and even assisted someone write a pretty extensive paper of her own summarising the research and evidence of methods such as Controlled Crying and Crying it Out on late behaviour. Those effects scared me and I worried that yet again what I was doing now would have great long term effects down the track. So, he never cried to sleep, ever. I just wouldn't allow it if I could. He got rocked, patted or fed to sleep until he was 7 months old and started day care. I attended to his every whimper, his every cough, his every murmur. I carried the baby monitor near and far, to the toilet and shower and back and watched the clock for the 40 minute sleep cycle like a hungry hawk. This little one had what I thought was complete sleeping bliss. Everything revolved around naps and he rarely had a day where he didn't get at least one nap in his bed at home. Once at day care the rocking in arms stopped as they had a policy against it, instead they used a hands on approach with the child in the cot, singing, patting and shushing, eventually he found his groove and has had minimal sleep issues since.
And.....then comes baby number 2. There ain't no time for rocking, patting and shushing 10 times a day, no matter how super human you are and no matter how big a lie you like to tell yourself and others. Yes, there will be days when you are toddler free and you can totally devote all your time to sending baby off to sleep feeding, shushing, rocking etc without a sound and on the whole I have been able to do one of those things in an environment conducive to sleep for the most part, but there are times when baby number 2 will simply have to have a sook off to sleep for the safety of the small child downstairs all alone or for your own mental well being, to get important and pertinent things done and for another big reason I have recently discovered.
So, my discovery is (yes it needs a new paragraph) I strongly believe some babies need to sook it out, I'm not talking total meltdown epic crying, that's baby's way of telling you something is seriously wrong, I'm talking sooking it out, getting out that last big whinge before they nod off. A few months back baby went from happily having a feed off to sleep, nodding off in my arms, being happy to be placed in her wing suit in her bassinet and nodding back off on her own to not really being able to do any of that without rocking her swinging bassinet or a considerable amount of hands on help some of which could last more than 30 minutes. That was simply too long for my toddler to be left to his own resources downstairs. So I had no choice but to put baby in her bassinet and leave her. She sooked but within minutes she was asleep. I was amazed that she was able to nod off without needing to be fed, rocked or patted. It happened again, she sooked for a bit and then went to sleep.
I soon realised on other occasions when I was able and free to rock her to sleep without any need for sooking or crying while the big boy was at daycare that by being there I was keeping her awake. The rocking motion stimulated her back awake, she could most likely sense me lying on the bed and certainly could smell me. She could see my hand resting on the edge of the bassinet swinging it back and forth and what I thought was helping was the complete opposite. She needed time to have a sook, let out a big whingy yell and then nod off on her own terms and I needed to give her time to do this without interference. I also strongly believe that her sleeping environment was one that was highly conducive to sleep. We have a massive black and white print on the wall of New York City gazes at while going to sleep, our room is always around 21degrees and she still at 6 months sleeps in a swaddle suit. She is tucked in and I don't skimp on blankets, there is white noise on the radio and some soft music in the background. I put on the easy listening channel on foxtel (yep, I've got the box and the fox in my bedroom) I always tell her I'm going out now and she goes to sleep on her own, never a problem.
In saying all this I don't advocate letting a child have a terrible heart felt cry to sleep that lasts more than 10 minutes but I do advocate giving them time to chill out, calm down and fall asleep without a parent there. Unless you are happy to be there for every nap then don't start something you're not willing to follow through for good. Trust me, after 2 or 3 years of doing that it isn't sustainable and no doubt there'd be a lot lacking in your life as a result of having spent far far too much time trying to get your child to sleep on YOUR terms or the terms set out in a book. While the books are based on research and evidence and experience don't forget that all that experience and evidence and research was based on children that aren't yours.
6. THE WONDER WEEKS
Baby's have growth spurts and Wonder Weeks, big ones, disruptive ones, very very noticeable ones, well at least my children did. Knowing when a Wonder Week is coming up is vital. It will let you know what to expect and when and gives reason to all that crazy stuff that they do while they are wonder weeking. One minute you feel like you have a bit of a routine happening, not a strict one, but a routine none the less guided by baby and all of the sudden, BOOM, like a baseball bat to the head they don't sleep, they don't eat, they fuss and cry and you have no idea what you did wrong. You run around desperate to get back that routine, to have just 5 minutes to shower without baby crying or hovering or sitting in a swing in the other room watching cartoons because you need just a 5 minute distraction to shower as it's been 2 days since you and soap last met.
So, go to the Wonder Weeks sight, download the app, print off the Wonder Weeks calendar, I printed mine off and stuck it in my wardrobe, I see it every day and I'm ready and prepared for when shit hits the fan. While there isn't a great deal that you can do to prevent any of the disruption to their patterns and sleep during a growth spurt at least you know why it's happening and when to expect it.
Good luck!
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